….you don’t go to school anymore.

So with no school to occupy your mind or random school related events to take up your time, what else is there to do?

Work.

Blah.

Oh well…fall is here and that is the most beautiful time of the year!

I’ve been rereading through my project, trying to work on it, but alas, there is still some waiting to be done. (And if you’re waiting for this big reveal, well, it could come in 5 years or 5 minutes, so don’t get your panties all in a wad!)

Up until now, all my posts regarding this project, have been about good things I’ve learned and great friends whom I still love very much. I guess it was only a matter of time before I wrote about..well…not so pretty things. But the funny thing is…I don’t feel bitter about them. Thinking about the memories we’ve made doesn’t make me sad or angry…

I just smile.

I’m Looking Through You

It’s been a long journey. In no time at all, it seems like, we went from being inseparable to enemies. I’ll admit that this was a very ugly time for me. Not because of what was done to me, but what I did to her…to both of them, really. I had no idea what it really meant to be a friend…I’m still learning.Thanks to them both and all that we went through, I hope I am a better friend. They taught me that sometimes it’s ok to let go…necessary, even. But that does not mean that under any circumstance you quit praying for them. And not praying for them to get a clue, but rather, praying for God to change your own heart about the situation. They taught me how to pray hard prayers.

They taught me how to pray for people I’m not particularly fond of.

And you know what?

When you genuinely pray for those kinds of people, you find that they are no longer people that you’re “not particularly fond of”. They are sisters that you weep over, crying out to God for His will to be done, hoping that His will is that one day soon He will restore those beautiful friendships and memories.

It’s probably the scariest prayer ever because your heart of flesh, which has been torn apart, is screaming out just the opposite. Your broken heart doesn’t want to pray for them and would sooner stick a knife through your eye than want to restore those relationships.

I don’t know what else to say. This is a lot harder to write about than the other posts.

These days are filled with trouble
And the nights feel like they’re all getting longer
These days are dark and grey
Like that storm rolling in across the water

There’s a strong wind blowing
I push on it pushes back
It’s a hard time
But I know I’ll get through it
Just gotta lean into it

This ain’t where I thought I’d be
If I could I’d stop it now and I’d rewind it
But this ain’t where I’m gonna fall
If there’s a way to fight
I know I’m gonna find it

There’s a strong wind blowing
I push on it pushes back
It’s a hard time
But I know I’ll get through it
Just gotta lean into it
Just gotta lean into it

I keep going even though
-Lean Into It
Little Big Town

There’s a time for everything.

A time for mourning and a time for dancing, right?

A time for mourning can be a time for dancing, even if we can’t see it right away.

The Lord is faithful.

A verse that keeps coming up is Psalm 9:10

“And those whoknow your name put their trust in you,
for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You.”

God may not always speak so clearly to you. You may feel alone sometimes. It may seem like He’s gone silent or left you.

But you’re not alone.He hasn’t left you at all.

And God is FAITHFUL to those who seek Him!

I just want to know Him more. I want to keep learning more about Him. I don’t ever want to stop seeking Him. Not just because He is faithful to those who seek Him, but because His love runs so much deeper than we could ever know, and I want to know that kind of unconditional and never ending love.

A time to dance.

Be Yourself

July 21, 2011

The world of iGosia is a funny place. There, you will find some of the most amazing people in the world. You’ll find friends that you will have forever. You’ll find some of the most amazing students there who will and are going to change the world for the advancement of the Kingdom. Until I went to iGosia, my world was pretty small. I had a group of friends from my old church that I had known my whole life, and friends at school. I had never met anyone like Birmy, nor will I EVER find someone like her. She is most certainly a diamond in the rough; one in a million.

The best way I can describe Birmy is hippie…or gypsy. She loves with everything she’s got and she’s incredibly talented!! She is hilarious and lives her life on fire. She never meets a stranger and never forgets a friend. My most fond memory I have of her would probably either be staying up all night making up hilarious songs about each other or the time she got arrested for riding a bike in Japan…long story.

But what I’ve learned most from Birmy is to not do something just because it’s “normal”. Do it because God tells you to.

A Heart Like Mine

July 24, 2011

I’ve spent a lot of my time making friends only to have our lives separated from one thing or another. For someone who takes a while to open up to, that makes making friends hard; or at least best friends. My husband is a lucky man. Not just because he married me J, but because him and his best friend are only 6 days apart and grew up living down the street from one another. I’ve never had that kind of friendship, but it’s something I’ve always longed for. And while most of my friends have sisters, who are like built-in best friends, I have only my brother. And anyone who has an older brother knows that I need no explanation for that!

In high school I had a best friend I thought would always be there. I spent summers in Japan with girls I thought would be in my life forever. But with no resentment, we have mostly all moved on. Not that we are not in each other’s lives anymore, but our lives have taken us different ways and we are no longer with each other all the time.

But God has allowed one of those friendships to blossom. I first met Sarah when we were both in Japan; me as a JSI and her as a 2weeker. That was in 2007. It wasn’t until about 2 years ago that we really got close. But there’s one thing I’ve learned from her (of course there are MANY more than that!) it is the courage to dream big. She dreams big, prays big, and has the faith to know Christ will do all that He has commanded; no matter how ridiculous it might seem to us.

Sarah has the faith of a mustard seed and the Lord is moving mountains through her.

Here’s the deal though, I have a project in the works, but I can’t explain it just yet. I will soon, but I just can’t right now. So for now all I can say is that it’s about compiling things I’ve learned throughout the years from the people God has put in my life. I promise I’ll explain it later, but for now that’s all I’ve got. Here’s what I’ve been working on so far…

Life of the Party

Rachael Amy is many things. The first that comes to mind is clown. To tell you how we became friends would take more time than I have right now, but let’s just say that I’m a coward and Candace Beggs…well…she’s by far the coolest person I never knew. Rachael and I became friends during, probably, the worst possible time. That would be my fault. But God is so great and blessed me with this awesome friendship.

I can honestly say that I do not know anyone else more joyful than Rachael. During that horrible time she still found so many things to be excited about, ways to make us laugh, and just be silly. And you know what? We needed that. She knows how to light up any room and get people laughing and has confidence that most could only dream of.

You’ll also never know a more faithful friend than Rachael. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since we’ve talked, we always seem to pick up right where we left off. She cares genuinely and loves her friends and family and complete strangers like she’s known them her whole life.

Rachael has taught me real joy, where it comes from, and how to be genuinely joyful in the hard times and the good. When you are wholeheartedly seeking the Lord and longing to know Him more, His joy pours out of you. It doesn’t mean horrible or painful things won’t happen, but it means you lean on Him more, the giver of life, sustainer, and faithful One, and that’s when you begin to see the bottom line in the good, the bad, and the ugly. Bottom line: the Lord is glorified.

The joy of the Lord pours out of Rachael Amy.

Strawberry Fields Forever

Anything that’s even a little bit funny is a million times funnier when Leah laughs. She’s got that contagious laugh, but when I first met her there wasn’t a lot of laughing going on. Rachael introduced me to Leah around the time I met Rachael. The thing you have to know about Leah is that she is strong. And I don’t mean that she is stubborn or strong-willed (although she can be!), I mean that she keeps trucking no matter what comes her way. She’s much better at that than I am. I remember last fall when I was in a rut. I can’t really put my finger on just what it was, but I started to pull away. She and Angelie called me out on it, but did it so lovingly. They prayed for me right then and there and we ended up having church there in our apartment at nearly 11pm.

That’s what I mean when I say strong. She loves in such a way that she helps others keep going. She’s not afraid to call people out on things, and she cares so deeply. When you’re seeking the Lord so fervently, He helps you to keep going even when (and especially when) you don’t think you can, and that is encouraging to others. It’s obvious to others. And when the Lord encourages you and sustains you, it’s easier to encourage others like Leah did for me.

The Lord has made Leah strong in her weakness, but given her a heart full of love, and I pray the Lord does the same thing in my own heart.

Everybody’s Changing

Ever heard of the expression “all bark, no bite”? Well, that’s Angelie. She’s crazy. She has to be to agree to live with a complete stranger. Leah and Rachael introduced me to Angelie, and literally the next morning we were signing up to move upstairs with Rachael and Leah and live together. But the Angelie from then is not the same Angelie that is here now.

Angelie showed me, and continues to show me discipline. She had a personal goal to lose weight, and through hard word, determination, and self-discipline, she attained that goal. She stuck to her diet, changed her lifestyle, and changed her life.

But what’s more important is that Angelie showed me self-discipline in reading the Word. I remember when we lived together in the dorms she would spend her mornings between classes laying of the floor reading her Bible and journaling. And every single night she would stay up until all hours of the night writing papers (while I slept with earplugs) that she could have done during the day.

Angelie is self-disciplined and yearns for the Lord more than anything.

Always Love

Ask anyone who has met Molly Gore even once and they will tell you that she loves like no one else you’ve ever known. My favorite quote by Mother Teresa is “love until it hurts, then love some more”. Molly has shown me time and time again what this looks like. Call it what you want, but ignoring people because you “just can’t handle them” or you “just don’t get along” or whatever else, it’s all just bad excuses for not loving a creation of God…the same God who created YOU.

I can’t count how many times Molly’s life has convicted me of my own life and actions. No matter what she’s going through, how busy she is, or how stressed, Molly always goes out of her way to help people out. And usually it’s the people everyone else just brushes off. But she sees them for who they are and she loves them. And what’s funny is, she does it so much, I don’t think she even thinks about it. It’s just what she does.

I want to love people like Molly does because she loves like Christ.

Wasted

I guess I have to thank Jami for even knowing the girls I’ve written about above because Jami is the one who encouraged me to go to Howard Payne in the first place. Jami and I have known each other for quite a while now, but her theme has remained the same.

Two years ago Jami and her family went through some really hard stuff. Her father became very ill and they knew it was his time to be with the Lord. And even through this terribly sad time Jami was not only able to, but joyfully praised the Lord. From the leadership of her ill father, her whole family spent this time praising the Lord and giving Him the glory. And even now when things have settled down, she is always joyfully praising the Lord in her life, no matter what. Bottom line.

Jami takes Daniel 3 to the streets saying, “…our God is able to deliver us from the fiery furnace, but if not, we will not serve your gods”. (Daniel 3: 17,18 paraphrase)

1. Life is precious. Jesus is more precious. Live, love, and don’t hold back.
2. The best seat in the house is in front of Mabee in Jesus’ bowl.
3. Never EVER sit on the same side of the booth with your significant other.
4. It IS possible to live in Texas during the summer and keep your electricity bill below $10…but it will cost you a LOT of sweat.
5. Sometimes the best therapy is just an aimless drive with your friends and letting the radio do the talking for you.
6. Two words. Pancake. Supper.
7. Learn something new and get out of your box.
8. Be who you are…no matter how much your friends make fun of you.
9. Rain boots are the greatest purchase you will ever make.
10. When it comes down to either studying or having fun with your friends…go have fun.

I’ve loved my time here, but I also know it’s time to move on. Time for a new chapter.

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt,
I guess I’m gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I’ve loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it’s gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It’s sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
-Starts with Goodbye
Carrie Underwood

Graduation is a mere two months away. Kind of a scary thought. No more school, quizzes, papers, or tests. No more studying all night and sleeping all day, and since I have no plans of getting my masters, this is it. And while I’m excited about the lack of academic testing, there is one thing I am most excited about…

No more sucking up to professors and writing what they want to hear just to get a good grade.

I realize that I made the choice of being in the Christian studies department, but spending so much time here has made me realize something, and I’m about to say the one thing no well-mannered Christian (especially a student in the Christian studies department) should ever say, lest they be stoned….

I. Don’t. Want. To. Go. To. Church.

Huh?

Yeah, you heard me. I don’t want to go!

I don’t want to meet up every week with other pretentious snobs (and yes, that includes me!) who think they have it all together, sing a few songs, listen to a well-polished speaker, and tell everyone I’m fine or doing good (whether I am or not). I want to please God.

What part of that is pleasing to God??

**If you’re heart is truly focused on worship, then yes, that is pleasing to God.

But my question is not “what can we do to make church better?” My question is this…

What does it look like to LOVE BIG?

One of my friends told me recently about an article she read about Sandra Bullock. She said that in the article Sandra said that she’s not a believer. She knows plenty of Christians, but to her they’re all hypocrites. It wasn’t until she met the Tuohy’s (the family that The Blind Side portrays) that she met people who actually did something with their faith and “loved big”.

Now, I don’t know if this article is true or not since I haven’t seen it myself, but true or not shouldn’t this be an eyeopener for Christians? Because let’s be honest, whether Bullock said this or not, she’s not the only person on the planet who has thought this.

No one cares how well you can debate theology or prove to them that the Bible is true…unless you love big.

Love will make the difference and if we want to make a difference in the world then we’ve GOT TO LOVE BIG!!!

So what does it look like to love big? Does it mean that you take in kids off the street like the Tuohy’s did? Does it mean that you NEVER go to church? Does it mean that you quit your job and sacrifice your entire being to the service of others 24/7/365?????

No, because that only starts another issue…trying to make one model of ministry/love work for EVERY situation. It doesn’t have to be perfect and it doesn’t have to be something that’s already been done.

Just DO SOMETHING.

::edit::

After searching on google for a while I found the article that my friend was talking about! It’s a wonderful article that I HIGHLY encourage you read. My favorite part? From Mrs. Tuohy herself,

“But you can do something — everybody is capable of doing something. So whatever your something is, do it well. Make a difference.”

http://www.zimbio.com/Leigh+Anne+Tuohy/articles/03mI9VwcEQy/Renewing+A+Star+s+Faith

I think the article and this entire rant is summed up nicely in three words…

“Practicing not preaching”

Sure, there is a time and place for preaching, but what percentage of believers study to become preachers? For me, I don’t have a desire to go back to school and become a preacher. Seminary doesn’t appeal to me. Does that make me a bad Christian? No, it just means I’ve got to DO SOMETHING else!

Everyone does.

If preaching is your thing, have at it! If kids is your thing, have at it! If cars or business or law or family is your thing, HAVE AT IT!

Just DO SOMETHING and LOVE BIG!!!

MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

http://www.zimbio.com/Leigh+Anne+Tuohy/articles/03mI9VwcEQy/Renewing+A+Star+s+Faith

****IMPORTANT****

This post was not meant to bash on the church at all. It is just an encouragement for you believers reading this to get up and LIVE your faith! I actually do get excited to go to church because I love the family I have at my home church and the church I go to at school, but going to church is just that…going to church. Live your faith. Do something. Love big, and make a difference for HIS kingdom!!

http://www.zimbio.com/Leigh+Anne+Tuohy/articles/03mI9VwcEQy/Renewing+A+Star+s+Faith

Today is a dangerous day. Actually, this whole week will probably be like this. It’s dangerous because I did only two things.

1. Daydream about Nashville
2. Play my guitar every chance I got

It seems harmless enough, but it’s days like this that get me into trouble because I forget where I am. I’m not all here. My GPA doesn’t like it, the people around me don’t like it, my professors don’t like it, and I don’t like it.

Sure it’s fun to daydream about it and I definitely feel accomplished when I finish a song (but let’s be honest, when is a song EVER finished!?), but I’m not HERE and I need to be HERE. I’ve got 10 weeks of school left EVER and less than 18 weeks before I get MARRIED.

It doesn’t help that I saw Miranda Lambert in concert this weekend and got to briefly meet her (and I do mean BRIEFLY). She said she used to stand in the back of Billy Bob’s herself dreaming about singing up there on stage. I don’t know that I want to be the one singing up there, but to hear my songs being sung up there…to hear them completed and the crowd singing along and connecting with the lyrics….whoa. I mean….whoa.

We went to a nursing home tonight. I just love hearing their stories. One lady we talked to used to be a geology professor at Howard Payne. She was telling us all kinds of funny stories and handing out little nuggets of wisdom all the while. At one point she said, “If you don’t like what you do…well, change!” She said it like it was so simple and so obvious.

But what if the world won’t let you?

What happens if I shelf my dreams? How can I possibly tell my kids with all sincerity to chase their dreams if I never had the courage to do the same? But “you can’t ride two horses with one ass, sugar-bee” (Sweet Home Alabama).

I guess I better get my head out of the clouds…

…for now…

I have a habit of making playlists in iTunes of different songs that I’ve been listening to at the time, so when I go back to that playlist I instantly go back to the mood I was in when I made that playlist. If I was in a good mood, then I’m instantly in a good mood. If I was a zombie that day, the rest of the day is a blur and I’m useless.

But what if, instead of making a playlist fit my mood, I let the albums speak?

Sounds crazy and I know you probably think I’m completely out of my mind, but if you love music like I do then you’ll understand.

It’s time to stop living in the past and listening to playlists of the past because those playlists only show one side of the story.

It’s time to take on the whole story. It’s time to take the albums with all that come with it instead of picking and choosing what I want. It’s time to take life with all that comes with it, not just what I want to focus on.

It’s time.

Making this last semester count isn’t about whether things fall into place or if my professors pile on projects or not. It’s not about forgetting the school work and only having fun or focusing so much on the schoolwork and forgetting to have fun. It’s about moving on, not looking back, but not forgetting all God has done. It’s about taking what you’re given and choosing to make it great.

Ummm…life, much?

It’s time to make it great.

Or maybe not so many.

So far I’ve had more time than I have ever known what to do with this semester. And yet I don’t feel like I’ve done nothing. And that feels good.

I want to make it a point to learn something new and to write about it. I don’t want this semester to go by and not have anything to take from it. I want to make memories and look back knowing I had a blast and didn’t waste a moment. (Although the extra time on my hands has been great for whoever gets the profit from One Tree Hill)

Last night during youth Joe spoke on Matthew 21:28-46. The parable of the two sons is…a stab in the heart…to say the least. Especially for Christians who tend to be prideful (ummm…all of us??). Check out verse 30…”Truly, I say to you the tax collectors and prostitutes go into the kingdom of God before you.”

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather say no and later change my mind, than be someone who says yes, but never does it. “Tax collectors and prostitutes will go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came to you in the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes believed him. And even when you saw it, you did not afterward change your minds and believe him.”

Church is not a place for perfect people who have it all together. It’s for the broken. For the people who don’t have it all together, but long for the One who does.

Second, you must know that I LOVE my Greek class. I am convinced that EVERYONE should be required to take at least 2 semesters of Greek. This semester we’re going through 1Peter. We’re not even done with chapter one and already my mind and heart have been blown multiple times. In verse 6 he says “…the testing of your faith-more precious than gold…” and everyone reads this assuming that it is your faith that he means is more precious than gold. However, in the Greek it is the test that matches in case/gender/number to “more precious than gold”.

It is the TESTING of your faith that is more precious than gold, not your faith. The trials we go through, the burning of the dross – no matter how painful – is what is more precious than gold.

In other words…no pain, no gain.

Which makes what James says make a lot of sense when he says “consider it pure joy…”.

You can put that under “Things to remember in 2011″, Dr. Ferguson!

Lastly, I’ve learned that it’s important (and actually really fun) to meet new people.

Let’s be honest here, Howard Payne is anything BUT a big school. It’s part of the reason so many of us even considered this school. But even at small schools (and maybe especially) it’s easy to stick with your cliche and play it safe. I’m SO guilty of this and when my friends are gone or busy I have the worst habit of crawling into my cave only to come out for food.

But living with new people has been really great! Don’t get me wrong, I’m SOOOOO ready for Leah to get her rear end back to Brownwood, but meeting new people and hanging out with people you’ve never really hung out with before is fun and humbling because you start to realize just how much you’ve categorized/labeled people and how WRONG those labels are.

So…things I’ve learned and need to REMEMBER…

1. Don’t be a flake. If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT!
2. Remember that trials are more precious than gold.
3. Meet new people!!

I decided to take full advantage of this last break I have before graduation by taking time for myself, to decide who it is I am and to be confident in that. As it usually turns out, Christmas break flew by and between spending time with both my family and Gene’s AND wedding plans galore, that didn’t happen quite like I had hoped. So here I sit in a Starbucks near Dallas when I should really be hitting the road to go back to school. But I just couldn’t go back there without some alone time.

One of the biggest things I’ve had to embrace about myself recently is that I am most definitely an introvert. Dictionary.com defines that as being a “shy person”, but I feel like that’s a bit misleading. I’ve heard it said before that an introvert is simply someone who gains energy by being by themselves as opposed to an extrovert who gets their energy from being around other people. Ask anyone from Justin and they would probably classify me as an extrovert. Ask someone from Howard Payne and they’d probably say I’m an extreme introvert. I think that just shows how much I’ve changed.

I have to be honest and tell you, whoever you are, that I’m really glad that the semester is over. As for the new one starting tomorrow, well, it still hasn’t hit me yet that it even exists. I’ve taken a lot off my plate this last semester in hopes that I would focus on the few things I’m doing and do them well. As you can probably imagine, I failed at that, too. But knowing that I’ve failed is probably the best thing because this semester I’m going in this with a different approach. For those I let down this semester, I’m sorry. This is my last semester and I am bound and determined to leave on the best note I can. Knowing myself is half the battle though.

Things are definitely changing and have already changed. Four very significant people in my life at Howard Payne are no longer there and soon I won’t be either. I try not to think about that too much. It’s been such a huge part of my life for three very VERY interesting years so I know it will be hard to say goodbye, but I’m excited to see what’s next.

For now I welcome the break from good ol Justin, Texas. Sure at first it was great. I’ve really enjoyed being home and this last semester I took every chance I had to go home. And being in Justin would be a lot easier if I actually had good friends there. Not to say I don’t have any, because I do. (Especially since Sarah is now living in Denton and Chelsea moved back!) But as it always does, eventually the quicksand of memories catch up with me and I find myself suffocating all over again.

I did my best to pack all of it away. Cleaned/gutted out my room in an attempt to get rid of anything that might trigger the memories, but I fear there will never be an end to it. So I’m just trying to live with it. But then my mind gets to wandering and suddenly I’m coming face to face with the absolute truth that I screwed up, too, and while I could probably make it alright, the fear of rejection paralyzes me.

Wow. Ok, that doesn’t make sense. And that’s ok.

P.S. If you haven’t heard of the band, Everly, you really need to check them out. (Especially if you’re a big One Tree Hill fan!)

I like to say, I’ve made good use of my time while you’ve been away.
And it’s true,
I’ve been in my piano everyday
thinking of you.

They talk around, I hear them whisper, It’s the funniest thing really they think you’re gone forever
I know the truth, It’s just getting hard to believe it.
When they all tell me it’s over
even the stars are aligned and I,

I follow the signs so clearly,
and still I’ve fallen
the quicksand’s pulling me down.
I follow the signs so clearly,
and still they catch me
the quicksand’s pulling me down.

I’m not the same, I can’t sleep nights and now I’m calling your name when I do.
and yet without you, they say I get along better, better, better.
When they all tell me It’s over
I’ll damn the gods until the stars are aligned and I,

I follow the signs so clearly,
and still I’ve fallen
the quicksand’s pulling me down.
I follow the signs so clearly,
and still they catch me
the quicksand’s pulling me down.

Look at my life, look at my face, can’t you see my heart bleeding down my sleeve,
you’re holding my hand and holding my heart but I just want to feel your breath inside me so I can breath.
Somewhere in the distance I catch a spark of grace I hope it’s something that makes me feel like I’m alive.

It’s never too soon,
it’s never too late,
so I start screaming out
I see your face
I see your hand reaching down and I yell to you and I say,

I follow the signs to clearly,
and still I’ve fallen
the quicksand’s pulling me down.
I follow the signs so clearly,
and still they caught me
the quicksand’s pulling me down.

I follow the signs so clearly,
and still I’ve fallen
the quicksand’s pulling me down.
I know you can feel me rising,
And I’m on fire
if you keep on pulling me up.

Look at my life, and look at my face,
look where I’ve come to get to this place with you.
Being here to sit and lay at your feet and rest in your arms
And listen to your heart beat.
-Quicksand
Everly